My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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