It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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