I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
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She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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