There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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