Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
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I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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