I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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