You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
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Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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