Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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