Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Im part way to drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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