You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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