he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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