i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize