can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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