I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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