Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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