god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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