I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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