My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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