you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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