I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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