All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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