You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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