There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
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He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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