Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
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I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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