she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
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Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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