just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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