I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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