sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
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he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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