What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
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If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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