This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
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I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
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At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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