In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize