If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
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I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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