Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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