I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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