Will you blow on my dice?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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