I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
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I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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