He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
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I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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