I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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