After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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