I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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