I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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