I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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