My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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