Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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