dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
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What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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