apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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