Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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