I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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