i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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