Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
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beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
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Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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